[ There aren't words to explain it, and she -- feels bad. It's not Lexa's fault. Lexa can't imagine it, quite probably, what it's like to have been such a thing - not a persona, a thing, a tool, removed and alone. Desperate and raised to be demandingly cruel. What it's like to have trust, affection, caring, be used against her.
She's only trying to be there for a friend, and something swallows, on that apology, and she broadens her mind there. What weighs on her then, is what she keeps to herself most often, the sense of blood on her hands, and it's not the result of one or two deaths. She has caused the suffering of so many, and she caries it, tight and sharp in her own heart. ]
(I know you do... it's not you. I've done... a lot of bad things, and got told that I was somehow... making the world better for helping do it. )
(If you could be told, you had no point of comparison to know the truth. You cannot relive someone else's mistakes. It offers them power over you.)
[These words may be insensitive, but she can only curb so much of herself.
In truth, Lexa wonders if Angel knows how cruel she has been. Would she accept that Lexa left the girl she loved to die along with the rest of her people? Would she believe that Lexa left hundreds of her people to die, declaring that victory came on the back of sacrifice? She has killed countless times, so many times that she bears no marks for it. It became commonplace for her, and she only hasn't killed since becoming a Host because she understands that the worlds they've visited have different demands.
And she's had to adapt.
But she's even considered taking the lives of Hosts so that they would not be dragged down. She's considered staging events to ensure that they prune the weak.
These are thoughts she has, but doesn't share. Though if they knew her well enough, they would know to expect them.]
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circumspector) wrote2016-03-14 03:55 pm
no subject
She's only trying to be there for a friend, and something swallows, on that apology, and she broadens her mind there. What weighs on her then, is what she keeps to herself most often, the sense of blood on her hands, and it's not the result of one or two deaths. She has caused the suffering of so many, and she caries it, tight and sharp in her own heart. ]
( I know you do... it's not you. I've done... a lot of bad things, and got told that I was somehow... making the world better for helping do it. )
no subject
[These words may be insensitive, but she can only curb so much of herself.
In truth, Lexa wonders if Angel knows how cruel she has been. Would she accept that Lexa left the girl she loved to die along with the rest of her people? Would she believe that Lexa left hundreds of her people to die, declaring that victory came on the back of sacrifice? She has killed countless times, so many times that she bears no marks for it. It became commonplace for her, and she only hasn't killed since becoming a Host because she understands that the worlds they've visited have different demands.
And she's had to adapt.
But she's even considered taking the lives of Hosts so that they would not be dragged down. She's considered staging events to ensure that they prune the weak.
These are thoughts she has, but doesn't share. Though if they knew her well enough, they would know to expect them.]