ａ ｎ ｇ ｅ ｌ ． (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
circumspector) wrote2016-03-14 03:55 pm
circumspector) wrote2016-03-14 03:55 pm
Entry tags:
[ and there is no consideration, no backwards glance as she steps close to her, to take both Ilde's hands in her own, and steps back with her, leading her as Ilde had lead her when she had been just the same - all burned out with the misery and weight of it all.
But each step is purposeful, she takes her away, away, away. Out of the commons, out of Concordia, away from the city with its walls of light that she knows is foreign to her. They turn a corner and go through a door that as her markings ebb to life, they step from cold walls to a garden. A distortion, an illusion, but one she thinks Ilde could want, it's safety of high walls of glass on an impossible sky, the wrap of vines with heavy drooping flowers, warm earth and stone below her feet. Heavy leafed plants that droop with their own weight, the pepper of strange ones that she knows from Pandora that glow in a bioluminescence from the corners and the soft curl of mist like water ( better at making them feel real now, and she has Ilde and the hive to thank for that. Reality, more aching than anything that can be conjured ), it's special, it's built out of her mind for Ilde. Just for Ilde. The only one she lets into these corners of her. Lets her feed into her, into all of her empty dark.
She leans around her to shut the door behind them. There is no one now, just them, just this place and its false removal from reality. Privacy as much as they could have being so connected. ]
But each step is purposeful, she takes her away, away, away. Out of the commons, out of Concordia, away from the city with its walls of light that she knows is foreign to her. They turn a corner and go through a door that as her markings ebb to life, they step from cold walls to a garden. A distortion, an illusion, but one she thinks Ilde could want, it's safety of high walls of glass on an impossible sky, the wrap of vines with heavy drooping flowers, warm earth and stone below her feet. Heavy leafed plants that droop with their own weight, the pepper of strange ones that she knows from Pandora that glow in a bioluminescence from the corners and the soft curl of mist like water ( better at making them feel real now, and she has Ilde and the hive to thank for that. Reality, more aching than anything that can be conjured ), it's special, it's built out of her mind for Ilde. Just for Ilde. The only one she lets into these corners of her. Lets her feed into her, into all of her empty dark.
She leans around her to shut the door behind them. There is no one now, just them, just this place and its false removal from reality. Privacy as much as they could have being so connected. ]
[ There is no resistance from Ilde, there is something brittle in her usual careful restraint, something sore that knows if she struggles any further she's going to injure herself. So she relaxes into Angel's mind, almost the exact same sensation as when they relax into one another's hands.
The idea piques as they take the slow tumble into interconnection that this is the same emotion. The same emotion she had expressed aloud to Ren and had rejected. A fizzle of emotion, like a spark from a frayed wire. Heartbeat just that little bit more painful. ]
I informed my broodmate Kylo Ren that I loved him.
[ That seems the easiest place to begin. They will get to it all eventually. She will get around to telling Angel how much she hates her friend's own beloved broodmate. ]
The idea piques as they take the slow tumble into interconnection that this is the same emotion. The same emotion she had expressed aloud to Ren and had rejected. A fizzle of emotion, like a spark from a frayed wire. Heartbeat just that little bit more painful. ]
I informed my broodmate Kylo Ren that I loved him.
[ That seems the easiest place to begin. They will get to it all eventually. She will get around to telling Angel how much she hates her friend's own beloved broodmate. ]
( ? )
[ His usual little knock on the mental door. ]
( I'm downstairs, heading to Alpha Block. Need to some air. Will you come too? )
[ His usual little knock on the mental door. ]
( I'm downstairs, heading to Alpha Block. Need to some air. Will you come too? )
[ Which couldn't be better tired. She's looked over the details again and again and again and her head is pounding so his offer comes as a relief from the stress of it all. ]
( Sure thing. Be down in a minute. )
[ Finds jacket, find shoes, find fake ID - and she's there a few minutes later. Waving in greeting as she comes closer. ]
Are we just walking?
( Sure thing. Be down in a minute. )
[ Finds jacket, find shoes, find fake ID - and she's there a few minutes later. Waving in greeting as she comes closer. ]
Are we just walking?
Edited (wroooong icon) 2016-07-17 03:55 (UTC)
[ She keeps up the shifting motions of her fingers, as long as he seems to be letting her. She likes this. Likes being close and comfortable with someone she doesn't have to pretend quite the same around. ]
No more cages. [ she trusts in those words. Never again. ] What do you miss most about your Diana?
No more cages. [ she trusts in those words. Never again. ] What do you miss most about your Diana?
( Ah... )
[ she steps back a little, taking a moment to look her over more keenly like - love could be seen as a physical thing, but she had that, she supposed, didn't mean others did.
Leads her closer then. A guiding hand to settle them together into a corner, her arm wrapping around Ilde's waist, letting her lean into her side. Sweeping warm up her side, over her clothes in a comforting gesture, an easy generation of shared warmth. ]
( And it... ? ) [ Not sure what to say: 'it went well?' 'he didn't hurt her?' ]
[ she steps back a little, taking a moment to look her over more keenly like - love could be seen as a physical thing, but she had that, she supposed, didn't mean others did.
Leads her closer then. A guiding hand to settle them together into a corner, her arm wrapping around Ilde's waist, letting her lean into her side. Sweeping warm up her side, over her clothes in a comforting gesture, an easy generation of shared warmth. ]
( And it... ? ) [ Not sure what to say: 'it went well?' 'he didn't hurt her?' ]
( He broke like a crystal. I have never felt so far away from him. )
[ Is that what she's doing here with Angel then? Second best for her loneliness? No, that doesn't seem fair at all, Angel is an entirely different entity. ]
( All of these emotions suffocate me. I do not know whether to scream or to weep, the only relief is to let them loose and then... I long to take them back again, but they are gone. )
[ It is good that Angel has her, now that the gate has crashed open it continues to flow, ]
( I want everything from him, from you. And the intensity of that emotion is just the same as how desperately I want to slaughter that boy tied to you. )
[ She can't help it, the gory vision of what she would do to Petre if she were to lose her restraint burgeons. ]
( I cannot be trusted. This power has tainted me. )
[ Is that what she's doing here with Angel then? Second best for her loneliness? No, that doesn't seem fair at all, Angel is an entirely different entity. ]
( All of these emotions suffocate me. I do not know whether to scream or to weep, the only relief is to let them loose and then... I long to take them back again, but they are gone. )
[ It is good that Angel has her, now that the gate has crashed open it continues to flow, ]
( I want everything from him, from you. And the intensity of that emotion is just the same as how desperately I want to slaughter that boy tied to you. )
[ She can't help it, the gory vision of what she would do to Petre if she were to lose her restraint burgeons. ]
( I cannot be trusted. This power has tainted me. )
[ She closes her eyes against the image, feeling it in her mind - and it is not just that she is used to seeing such things. It is that it is Ilde, and she would accept much for that alone. Even the way that seeing her own broodmate, another part of herself, makes something grip tight in her throat.
Her own concerns could be for another day.
Because she knows how much being pure mattered to Ilde. Her hands sweep against her, settled to her hip and the other moving up to draw her fingers through her hair. ]
( No, no it has not. It just... draws parts of you out of yourself you didn't know existed yet. )
Her own concerns could be for another day.
Because she knows how much being pure mattered to Ilde. Her hands sweep against her, settled to her hip and the other moving up to draw her fingers through her hair. ]
( No, no it has not. It just... draws parts of you out of yourself you didn't know existed yet. )
[ She wilts into Angel's shoulder, bursting at the seams just as she had described, unable to decide between relief or rage or nothingness. ]
( Who is to say I did not know? I merely had better control when I was hidden away surrounded by the dead. )
[ What does she do in a world where people live? Where life is valued and people seek to protect one another. She can hear tiny little Ahsoka telling her so sincerely: "If I could help even one person suffer less... then it's worth fighting for."
That is not Ilde. The difference is so stark. ]
( Who is to say I did not know? I merely had better control when I was hidden away surrounded by the dead. )
[ What does she do in a world where people live? Where life is valued and people seek to protect one another. She can hear tiny little Ahsoka telling her so sincerely: "If I could help even one person suffer less... then it's worth fighting for."
That is not Ilde. The difference is so stark. ]
[ She hums, soft, the flowers bloom open, the smells she had taken from Ilde's memory drift through the air. ]
( We are learning - ) [ something they have expressed between each other before. ] ( To learn is to discover, and to know that all things are possible before we do them. We have a million thoughts, and as many options open to us with them. I know people that take life by the millions, they are an apocalypse unto themselves. But they still care, they still find a way to direct themselves to help, even at their most destructive.
They do not have to be exclusive. )
[ They are clear in her mind, they have a smile made for slaughter and eyes on a far off point. They destroy, they destroy, their names are like whispers of the impossible, but they are just people, bathed in fire and death, maybe, and where they go, even as they it seems tear the earth apart, they bring hope that tearing down will bring rebirth. ]
( We are learning - ) [ something they have expressed between each other before. ] ( To learn is to discover, and to know that all things are possible before we do them. We have a million thoughts, and as many options open to us with them. I know people that take life by the millions, they are an apocalypse unto themselves. But they still care, they still find a way to direct themselves to help, even at their most destructive.
They do not have to be exclusive. )
[ They are clear in her mind, they have a smile made for slaughter and eyes on a far off point. They destroy, they destroy, their names are like whispers of the impossible, but they are just people, bathed in fire and death, maybe, and where they go, even as they it seems tear the earth apart, they bring hope that tearing down will bring rebirth. ]
[ In this moment, it is not a door that Ilde wishes to open. Within the confines of dogma she has absolute control, a dichotomous system where particular articulations are righteous and all else inevitability. She aches for control. For certainty. Somewhere in the drone of that desire is a whisper for power, ever greater, ever growing. Not indefinitely. It eventually reaches a weight that she can no longer sustain and she too shatters, like a crystal. There is a limit to even her most ravaged emotions before she loses all strength to feel it any longer. She sags down to the dirt floor of her fantasy garden, a hand trailing in her wake to keep hold of Angel's.
A sigh. ]
( No... something will give way. Sooner or later. )
A sigh. ]
( No... something will give way. Sooner or later. )
[ He gives a half smile as she approaches, bobbing his head in answer. ] Walking and talking, unless there's somewhere you need to go.
[ The gardens are nice to stroll around, he figures.
The glass front doors open automatically as he steps closer to them. There's an extra spring, jittery spring in his step today after they got their marching orders. ]
[ The gardens are nice to stroll around, he figures.
The glass front doors open automatically as he steps closer to them. There's an extra spring, jittery spring in his step today after they got their marching orders. ]
[ It stills her, watching Ilde break and it aches, not just because being so close bled the connection into each and every word.
But because oh she knew, she knew - ]
( Then I will be there. When it happens. I promise. )
[ Hitches, soft, heart-beat wing-beat. Her fingers threading through Ilde's, gripping her like it was all of that made real. ]
( I'm told that's what people do when they... would do anything for each other. )
[ Can't say it, can't say it, can't say it, but she hopes she feels it, in between each word, settled in close. Wanting and hovering and nervous for her but only out of concern, and always patient and waiting. ]
But because oh she knew, she knew - ]
( Then I will be there. When it happens. I promise. )
[ Hitches, soft, heart-beat wing-beat. Her fingers threading through Ilde's, gripping her like it was all of that made real. ]
( I'm told that's what people do when they... would do anything for each other. )
[ Can't say it, can't say it, can't say it, but she hopes she feels it, in between each word, settled in close. Wanting and hovering and nervous for her but only out of concern, and always patient and waiting. ]
( You don't have to sacrifice for me. )
[ There's something terrifying in the idea, of any of them sacrificing for her. Those she loves. Her brood, this Angel. It goes beyond just Ilde herself and to the culture of death she came from. Death was coming for them all... Ultimate sacrifice would be made, in unison. Why hurry it along?
She thinks again about Ahsoka's words.
"If I could help even one person suffer less..."
How terrifying. To love. ]
[ There's something terrifying in the idea, of any of them sacrificing for her. Those she loves. Her brood, this Angel. It goes beyond just Ilde herself and to the culture of death she came from. Death was coming for them all... Ultimate sacrifice would be made, in unison. Why hurry it along?
She thinks again about Ahsoka's words.
"If I could help even one person suffer less..."
How terrifying. To love. ]
[ He tells her everything he can remember - and whatever he can't put in words comes in his thoughts instead, mental images of her face, her strength, her valor. Her body is covered in tattoos and she's brimming with power, both patient and disciplinary with the boy whenever he challenges her or others. He misses her sense of humor, he misses how she manages to get out of trouble in more than one way. He misses someone so powerful that he can count on, misses the link they shared just because they are made of the same burning matter. ]
[ She shakes her head, no, nowhere to be. Nowhere to go. A nice sort of listlessness. Not her confinement, but with everything that they had in front of them, how much work they all had to do - there was still to her at least, a sense of freedom to it. To working towards anything, that was helping, she didn't mind.
Follows after him, through the door, and she takes a moment once they're outside to stretch, taking a deep breath in a way that's all exhilaration still to be doing it. Up on tip toes and arms above her head. Feels something pop in her spine that tells her just how long she's been bent over computer screens before she goes to keep step with him. ]
So what did you want to talk about?
Follows after him, through the door, and she takes a moment once they're outside to stretch, taking a deep breath in a way that's all exhilaration still to be doing it. Up on tip toes and arms above her head. Feels something pop in her spine that tells her just how long she's been bent over computer screens before she goes to keep step with him. ]
So what did you want to talk about?
[ She trickles her fingers against her jaw, tilting her face up to her, leaning close then to bury her face into her hair, nuzzling against her in a languid sigh of contentment. ]
( Or you for me. I don't have to, but I think that's what makes it... special. I've sacrificed so much more for so much less. What's any of that, to this? )
[ it's earnest, light as far off rainfall. Taking an easy breath, feels sunlight inside of her mouth that comes from being close to Ilde. ]
( Or you for me. I don't have to, but I think that's what makes it... special. I've sacrificed so much more for so much less. What's any of that, to this? )
[ it's earnest, light as far off rainfall. Taking an easy breath, feels sunlight inside of her mouth that comes from being close to Ilde. ]
Edited 2016-07-25 13:20 (UTC)
[ Quietly, without hesitation, she takes the memories without comment, just lets him let it go as he pleased, however it twists about. Seeing her as he sees her, being awed as he is. Settles her chin on his head, and her arms loose about him, it comes easy, a back and forth that is nothing but that he is part of her and she is part of him.
After awhile then, when it seems right to, she hums softly. ]
( I can see why you miss her so much. )
After awhile then, when it seems right to, she hums softly. ]
( I can see why you miss her so much. )
[ Is that how it works? She stares up into Angel's face with a look of utter surprise. Sacrificed so much more so much less. Everything in her life has always been given such doomed gravity... What was the weight attached to all of this? Ilde's heart beats fast in her chest, feeling the furious rise of emotion again. Too soon again after the last crest of that horrible wave.
She turns her head, catching the corner of Angel's mouth with her lips. ]
( I don't know. ) [ It echoes, her utter uncertainty, but in its echoing is a kind of certainty. ] ( But I cannot cease to love. )
She turns her head, catching the corner of Angel's mouth with her lips. ]
( I don't know. ) [ It echoes, her utter uncertainty, but in its echoing is a kind of certainty. ] ( But I cannot cease to love. )
[ She has seen when lava hits the sea, how it turns to stone and utter stilled captured moments and she feels the same - frozen in place. She cannot stand the word, oh it hurts, it hurts, she cannot associate it with anything good, only being trapped, confined. ]
( I can't say it, I'm sorry - )
[ But she can give it all the same. Her head turns into the kiss and it's as soft as she's given. Leaning forward and closes her eyes. The breath she pulls in is thready and rattles in her chest like the birds that roosted there had taken flight. Tossed up and about inside of her as she leans in close.
A first kiss, she realises, and she thanks the hive over again for the things she never thought to have. Had deadened herself to. It doesn't feel like when she felt spiking heat flood her when she looked at Lexa. Embarrassed and overly aware. This was holding something sugary and sharp in her mouth and being overwhelmed with it. The high, high note of the connection that comes with close contact and she cannot imagine being closer except too close again. ]
( I can't say it, I'm sorry - )
[ But she can give it all the same. Her head turns into the kiss and it's as soft as she's given. Leaning forward and closes her eyes. The breath she pulls in is thready and rattles in her chest like the birds that roosted there had taken flight. Tossed up and about inside of her as she leans in close.
A first kiss, she realises, and she thanks the hive over again for the things she never thought to have. Had deadened herself to. It doesn't feel like when she felt spiking heat flood her when she looked at Lexa. Embarrassed and overly aware. This was holding something sugary and sharp in her mouth and being overwhelmed with it. The high, high note of the connection that comes with close contact and she cannot imagine being closer except too close again. ]
Edited 2016-07-31 10:31 (UTC)
[ Her love hurts them. Ilde lifts one of her hands and curves it to the side of Angel's face. Her love hurts them. Like Dreus's fingertips burning into her skin when he would lay even the most thoughtless of touches upon her. He had loved her, and his love had burned, left little purple scars across her arms and shoulders, the outsides of her knees, up her shins. Her skin lights up with the memory of it, the stinging touch of a man who loved her, protected her, placed on a pedestal, and swore that no man would ever have.
She will have to be very gentle with them. So as not to frighten them, so as not to agitate the wounds that others left upon them. Guide them carefully to know that her love came with no demands. The word need not be said.
Ilde has only been kissed once or twice in her life. The others had been boys in the night, the kind of juvenile pecking that one placed upon a weeping girl after surviving the terrors of the night, to live another scorching day in the wastes. This is by far the superior experience. With a girl she knows down to her bones, one with strength and gentleness who struggles to make sense of her newfound freedom after a life beneath a tyrant's burning love.
Ilde's kiss is warm like the sun. ]
She will have to be very gentle with them. So as not to frighten them, so as not to agitate the wounds that others left upon them. Guide them carefully to know that her love came with no demands. The word need not be said.
Ilde has only been kissed once or twice in her life. The others had been boys in the night, the kind of juvenile pecking that one placed upon a weeping girl after surviving the terrors of the night, to live another scorching day in the wastes. This is by far the superior experience. With a girl she knows down to her bones, one with strength and gentleness who struggles to make sense of her newfound freedom after a life beneath a tyrant's burning love.
Ilde's kiss is warm like the sun. ]
[ He waits, giving a small, sympathetic wince at the sound her bones make. He's felt the same, hunched for hours over the little drawing desk in his room. Easy to lose time when your focus gets that confined. ]
What're you working on now? [ He tips his head toward her, starting to walk in the direction of the train station. The streets are mildly crowded, plenty of ears and eyes that aren't paying any particular attention to the pair of them. Steve doesn't stand out much on his own, his clothing neither flashy or so shabby that he'd get wary glances from the folks on this side of the block. ]
What're you working on now? [ He tips his head toward her, starting to walk in the direction of the train station. The streets are mildly crowded, plenty of ears and eyes that aren't paying any particular attention to the pair of them. Steve doesn't stand out much on his own, his clothing neither flashy or so shabby that he'd get wary glances from the folks on this side of the block. ]
[ She's still slow to pick on physical things. Not just things like - where she left her shoe again and if she's eaten in the last twenty-four hours, but in using her own body. Foreign, a thing she happens to be attached to in the abstract at the best of times. So it takes her a second of mistaken place where she's definitely been working too long that she goes to project herself against his HUD -
- until she remembers, he doesn't have one of those and she clears her throat to cover the over long silence and steps forward to catch his arm - that's better. He's so close to her own height unlike half the hive, apparently, that it makes it easy to whisper in close.
She's paranoid of being listened too - always is. It's not even rational so much at the moment, but instinctual to her. ] Pulling down the building plans.
- until she remembers, he doesn't have one of those and she clears her throat to cover the over long silence and steps forward to catch his arm - that's better. He's so close to her own height unlike half the hive, apparently, that it makes it easy to whisper in close.
She's paranoid of being listened too - always is. It's not even rational so much at the moment, but instinctual to her. ] Pulling down the building plans.
[ Her eyes are shut and her fingers locked with Ilde's and she sits so very, very still, because she wants it is so - and it's the wanting that scares her so. Because she is so empty of sunlight, she knows, so desperate to grasp for it.
But she finds as then, she knows not what to do with herself. Feels her breath speeding up, the quick rise and fall of her chest. The prickle she can feel in the back of her throat. The flowers of the day dream pick up on a breeze that is the unsurety of herself. Twisting about in the haze of it all.
It's no rejection, far from it, it's simply to be overwhelmed and she doesn't know what to do with herself even slightly. To push back even a little, to pull away - how, how to do this? ]
( How... how do I kiss you? )
[ Let her have this again, please, as often as she may. She is so addicted to touch, it feels all the empty hollows that eridium left. Addicted to the light the hive gives her on her otherwise dead skin and Ilde is warm, so warm and she just - she makes a noise, soft and quiet and it's thought and caught in her throat without form. It's so, so much. ]
But she finds as then, she knows not what to do with herself. Feels her breath speeding up, the quick rise and fall of her chest. The prickle she can feel in the back of her throat. The flowers of the day dream pick up on a breeze that is the unsurety of herself. Twisting about in the haze of it all.
It's no rejection, far from it, it's simply to be overwhelmed and she doesn't know what to do with herself even slightly. To push back even a little, to pull away - how, how to do this? ]
( How... how do I kiss you? )
[ Let her have this again, please, as often as she may. She is so addicted to touch, it feels all the empty hollows that eridium left. Addicted to the light the hive gives her on her otherwise dead skin and Ilde is warm, so warm and she just - she makes a noise, soft and quiet and it's thought and caught in her throat without form. It's so, so much. ]
Page 6 of 9